Screw Philanthropy. I Just Want To Dress Well

My goal in life is to make it on Vanity Fair’s International Best-Dressed List. And with the big reveal of VF’s 2009 line-up, I am once again reminded of the sole thing I must labor arduously towards.

Unfortunately, seeing as how I am not a First Lady, head of an Italian fashion empire, or “rumpled artist”, I may have to come to grips with the possibility that a spot on the roster could very well never happen.

So, logically, the next best thing is to make fun of the current choices I disagree with.

1. Kelly Ripa. Forget how Ripa dresses. The mere inclusion of her compromises the intregrity of my lovely list. She does commercials for appliances where she throws food. At kids.

2. Renee Zellweger. She wears Carolina Herrera. That’s it. Looking good in Carolina Herrera when you are the size of a celiac adolescent boy is not a feat to be applauded.

3. Brad Pitt. Am I the only one that thinks Brangelina always looks a little bit off in their (its?) sartorial choices? I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s just not quite right. Like the faux distress of Brad’s shoes, maybe. Or the faux Europeanness of him as a person.

And I must give a shout out to my fave this year:

H.H. Sheikha Mozah of Qatar. My mother made her bridesmaids wear jade turbans. This woman is the only person on Earth who would have looked good in that wedding album.